July 18, 2008

Governor commutes killer's sentence: Domestic Violence

Governor commutes killer's sentence
Who cares he stalked her, tried to run her and her two children off of the road, drove up beside her at a busy intersection, in the middle of town pulled out a shot gun and blew her brains into the back seat, calmly got back into his car and drove slowly to his lawyer's office.

I know my blog is usually happy, upbeat even. But this is personal, this is personal to allot of us. The abused, the survivor, the one's who didn't make it, and especially, the ones who haven't tried yet.

Let me start with a short (very) short, personal history lesson.
(CAUTION) Everything from her on down is graphic, if you are sensitive, you may want to stop here and read some earlier posts about our vacation or something.

For thirteen years I was abused, not just me, me and my oldest son. And not by my husband alone, no, his family too.

I was beaten, kicked, thrown down a flight of stairs, punched, twisted, choked until I passed out, and beaten into a concussion.
That was my (ex) husband. His sister beat me so bad in the face, while I was driving, I had two black eyes and a broken nose and couldn't work for a week. That was just because I wouldn't let her take my car out drinking. His father told me if I loved him enough, he wouldn't do these things to me. Just get away from him, lock myself in a room, leave the house (ya think). Just love him more and he will stop.

Let's just say it was bad. Real bad. But you know why I couldn't or didn't leave for so long? It was better than what would have happened to me if I had left. One time I tried to leave, I couldn't have my kids. Wouldn't let them near me. Told me he would charge me with abandonment and take the kids from me.
I have a daughter, what would he do to her if I wasn't around? Didn't leave.
One time he wrapped his hands around my throat and everything went black. Just stood there squeezing the life out of me and staring straight into my eyes, until I couldn't see anything anymore. I don't know what made him stop before he killed me, I was out , but when I woke up on the kitchen floor, he was at the front door, hollering at my 5 and 6 year old to get the hell out and stay away, they didn't have a Mama anymore. It was 4 in the morning, in January, and they were in their pajamas. My daughter in a gown, my son in a night shirt. That was it.
I ran out and scooped them up, now what? Where do I go? Nowhere. No one wants to know, or believe. He couldn't possibly be that cruel. Why did I always have to make these stories up. He was a nice man. No family, no friends, no one. We slept the rest of the night in the car. When he left for work, we went inside. That was our second time in the car.
The first was Thanksgiving eve 1987. I was beaten, bloody and I couldn't breathe without serious pain in my chest. But I had to get them out. My 2 babies. Then 2 and 3. No money, no family to call, no friends to believe me. So we got in the car and drove to the Naval housing office, and slept in the parking lot. I had to leave the car running all night because it was snowing. I was afraid the babies would get too cold.
Don't even get me started about the mental abuse. Being told I was a whore, my daughter (4) was a whore, we just wanted him around for his money (!?) Yeah, the guy who quit quite a few jobs every time my family would come down to visit. He had to be there, couldn't have me home alone with them.
This was how my life went, there is more, lots more, but you don't need to hear it. Needless to say, it took thirteen years and a loving aunt and uncle to finally get me out. Don't even think it was easy, the late night phone calls, all night, the drive by visits, the beating on the door at all hours of the night, the threats to me, my aunt and uncle, my cousin, my kids. It was awful. But we made it, I found a great man who loves me and my kids, would never even think about raising his hand to me and accepts me for everything I am and have been through.
It's still hard, if DH makes any sudden moves when he is aggrivated I jump and cover, then I get mad and cry. He doesn't know, because he doesn't think about it and it's not his problem to deal with. It is just a small reminder of what I have lived through.

Long story short, I understand what this woman's life must have been like. Before, and after she left him.

One of my c0-workers was a police officer at the time, and first on the scene, let me tell you what he saw when he got there.
In his own words, "She was sitting there, looking out of the windshield, staring at me. Her hands still gripping the steering wheel, just sitting there, waiting for the light to change. As I walked around the side of her car, there, on the back seat, was her brain."
She had two children. Who was going to raise them, hold them when they cry, be there when they are sick and need their Mom.

Now, the Mississippi Governor: Haley Barbour, has granted the man that did this to her a pardon! Why?!
I prefer to think it is because this man, as a trustee at the Gov. Mansion, has found something out that Haley Barbour has to protect. That has got to be it. My mind can not wrap around the fact that he just thinks this guy is a good guy and deserves a pardon.
I have sent emails to the Domestic Violence Advocates, CNN and Fox News.
This can't be allowed to happen.
Do you know how many people would never leave if they think this could happen to them, and it would be o.k.
Is an abused woman safer living with the abuser, than trying to leave. Is that the message Haley Barbour is trying to send.
Why this man was not sentenced to death, I have no clue, but to be pardoned and be set up with a new life in an undisclosed location! Come ON People, is this something we should sit quietly by and allow to happen?!


sailorcross said...

Oh, have I been there and done that!! I know exactly what you mean about leaving--what do you do, where do you go and how do you even begin?

But, I did and took my children with me. Not until many years of abuse--physical, verbal, emotional.

How can this man be pardoned?? I don't understand!! This saddens and at the same time infuriates me!!

I now volunteer for Domestic Violence Services. My feeling is that if I can help just one woman who is this same situation, then I will have done some good in my lifetime.


susanmark said...

Your blog made me cry and it also made me very Angery!!!!!!! I don't know what is wrong with that governor. I think he should be shot as well as that man/murderer.

My first dh abused me but NOT like you were. I am very sorry you went through that. I am so glad you found a wonderful man to love you and your children.


kathy said...

I am so sorry you and your children lived through that It is very hard to heal.

I am glad you are taking a stand as that man doesn't deserve to be pardoned just to make some one else Happy.

Anonymous said...

Let me just say, I did NOT vote for Barbor because there was something about him I didn't like, now I know why. If he tries to run again, I hope he loses by a landslide! He has made a lot of people angry in my city by his actions not only the victim's family, friends, the Chief of Police, the Mayor but society as a whole. There is NO excuse for what the Govenor did and nothing he says can justify letting a killer go free irregardless of his trustee status. Who cares that this man isn't allowed back in Jackson Co. What's to say he won't find some other woman and do it again?
Stay strong and know that you did right by your children in getting out and away from the abuse.
I wasn't abused by any husband but was abused as a child by my mother and my only older brother. Talking does help, whether it be with a therapist, friend, or relative.
Take care,!!

ciara belle said...

i applaud you for leaving your abusive husband. as a child i saw the black eyes & bruises on my mom from her boyfriend... he KILLED our dog -- and worse did in a way so that the dog dropped dead at his sons feet -- the son was devastated -- he beat his son black and blue -- i never understood why the school didn't step in -- how could they miss it?? she didn't leave him (over 5 years of this - plus the mental and verbal diarrhea) until he threaten to beat me. she thought i didn't know that she had a black eye from defending me - she thought i had no idea what he did - i told her when i was older - WHY didn't you leave - it was your apartment - KICK him out.. WHY? she couldn't give an answer... later when i was in a very negative situation (thank goodness not as bad as hers) i left him 3 days b4 christmas - called her and my stepdad (good man she married later) and they picked me up and moved me out -- she said to me 'you have more strength in yourself at 23 than i did at nearly 40...' i told her - it was BECAUSE she finally kicked him out... because she stood up to him... because of her example and strength that i was now strong... no matter what your children went thru - they gained strength and character to deal with anything that life can throw them when you led by example and left that man... continue to be strong -- your already courageous!

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